 | |||||
|
| |||||
|
| DownUnder | March 2004 |
|
Cheney and Howard Have A Chat... a satire by Ian McPherson CHARACTERS: DICK CHENEY, US VICE PRESIDENT JOHN HOWARD, AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER "Heeeeey, Johnny boy. That you?" "Indeed it is, Vice President Cheney." "Vice President Cheney? You can call me Dick, Johnny ... lots of people do ... haw, haw, haw! You know, Johnny, my late Dad said that you could call him anything you like, as long as you didn't call him late for dinner! Haw, haw, haw!" "Thanks ... uuum ... Dick. Can I do something for you? It is 3am in the morning here, and I've just found a severed horse's head in the bridal bed. The family are OK, but prying their fingernails out of the ceiling is tense work, especially when it's the last one. It's like that scene in Cliffhanger, from above, with the weeping kid falling away forever ..." "Johnny. Shut up!" "Thanks Dick! ... OK ... you have my full attention, for what it's worth ... what's on your mind? It has to be more important than the severed horse's head in my bed ..." "John, you've got it right. I'm sort of in-the-s**t with the public, if you know what I mean, and I know you've been there yourself! Maybe you can help? Antonin Scalia (US Supreme Court Justice) and I just went duck hunting for a week or so, compliments of an old oil buddy of mine with a private jet. Well ... the media reaction has been ... bad ... to say the least ..." "Why's that Dick?" "You call me Dick again and that'll be the most expensive word you've ever spoken! Scalia is the Republican judge on the Supreme Court who swung the vote for us in 2000, which gave Bush the election ... you moron. I'm lining him up to do exactly the same thing for me in the case for disclosure on my Energy Task Force." "No offence, Vice President, but wasn't your Energy Task Force on the up-and-up?" "Sure, but s***, everything we planned was bl***y secret! That's when we planned the Iraq war, for Christ's sake! We can't have the public knowing that ... they have to wait 20 years for secret stuff like that to come out ..." "Yeah, OK, I can see that." "Then some smart***e reporter at Findlaw found out that Scalia, Rumsfeld and I had dinner together while the Supreme Court was deciding to take the case. Heck, we were only briefing Scalia on the outcome! Sc*** these reporters, they have no right! We run things, they report on them the way we want ... that's how it is. If they can't stick to the script, they can stick to the bloodied carpet in their Halliburton detention cell ..." "Indeed, Vice President, they have no right at all ... uuum ... Vice President ... how can I help you?" "Well, would you have a job for a corrupt, old Republican down under ... you know ... that pays OK? I might be on my way out up here. Lord knows if I go back to my old job at Halliburton after this stretch, I'll be flat out getting Pentagon contracts from a Democrat government. That's no way to go out! What the h*** am I going to do?" "Well, old mate, I have an idea! We have a wonderful opening down here in the ethanol industry, one of our largest financial contributors. How long did the doctors say you have to live, by the way?" "As long as the money keeps coming, banana boy! ... haw, haw, haw! Ethanol, eh? Well, that's almost oil, in a way ..." "OK, well ... I guess we'll see you soon?" "Sooner than you know, my little down-under dependent ... things are getting a bit hot here, and I need to be posted to a cooler climate." "Ummm, Vice President ... it's actually hotter down here?" "No s**t, stupid! ... just get that job ready! OK?" CLUNK ... bbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ... "Hello ... hello ... HELLO! ... d**n, he's gone! ... Fortesque, Charlene, Rambo! ... Remove your fingernails from my shins ... NOW ... and fall gracefully to the carpet, OK? I have to call Manildra, they have a new CEO flying in from the US ..." "Dad?" "Yeah ..." "We don't trust Uncle Dick." "WHAT? You say that again and they'll be the most expensive words you've ever spoken, you thankless devil-spawn! Get to bed NOW! And no more whingeing about health care, education or the economy, OK? There's a heavy on the way, and it's time to play ... haw, haw, haw! ..." "Dad?" "Yes, WHAT? You evil little TRAITORS!" "Forget it ..." "FORGET WHAT ... AXIS-OF-EVIL OFFSPRING?" "Dad ... Mum's playing Frank Sinatra on the tape deck in the bridal room ..." "Goodness ... so she is :) You kids take care now ..." WHHOOOOOSH! ... slaaaaaaammm! ... "Fortesque?" "Yes, Charlene." "Dad's n***s you know! He thinks that Cheney might actually help us here." "Cheney can't help himself. That's why he's President of "Vice". He's as bent as you can get travelling through a revolving door. He can no longer tell the difference between the military/industrial interest and the public interest ... which is why he has to go ... better Manildra than the world, I say :)" "Fortesque?" "Yes, Charlene?" "You're so wise. I love you!" "I love you too, sweetheart. Let's pray for Dad, OK? He's the one who really needs the help ..." More reading:
Note... While readers may infer what they wish about this satire, it represents my opinions and not the opinions of NetNacs, its owner, or its affiliates. Ian McPherson See you all in the next issue! Ian McPherson |
