Microsoft Balks at Coding Error Messages for European Version of Windows
by Ian McPherson Beat-up in Brussels
The European Union, in its on-going antitrust court case against Microsoft, has ordered that the company remove Windows Media Player from the European version of Windows. Mario Monti, EU Competition Commissioner, stated today that "the scoundrels have gone too far."
Mr. Monti also noted that "The evil empire has 'embedded' the Media Player in Windows so that any efforts to remove it will melt your motherboard. It has also upgraded XP so competitor's media players also melt the motherboard. And they will only release developer's notes if Bill Gates personally authorises it, and the developer signs a non-disclosure agreement not to read the notes! If that's not anti-competitive, I'm a monkey's uncle". Scooping up his pet chimpanzee, Mr. Monti lazily swung, fluorescent tube by fluorescent tube, from the press conference.
Microsoft spokesman Jim Desler, who had earlier complained that it was impossible to get his favourite hair gel in Brussels, responded to Mr. Monti's claims with "Don't worry too much about Mario. He's just a bit anxious, because he knows we have more spare money than the European Union, South America and Russia combined, and we can just appeal until his cut-price legal team dies from exhaustion".
European Union antitrust regulators have also accused Microsoft of on-going efforts to monopolise the computer-server market (those funny rack-mounted boxes that buzz and whirr and have hundreds of messy, aimless cords hanging from them), and today gave the company its fourteenth "super-last chance" to respond to the seventeen year investigation.
The European Commission, the executive arm of the European Union, has issued objections to Microsoft thirteen times before: in 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000 and 2001. The latest "super-final" objections indicate that European regulators believe the company is "just throwing us peanuts", said Mr. Monti's Assistant Commissioner, Isa Baboon.
Microsoft reacts
Jim Dessler denied this charge. "They're just overreacting, and they were beer nuts, not peanuts. They know they have no chance of winning. By the time we go through all the legal appeals, they know the complaints will be out of date, and we will have moved on to blowing up your house if you remove your Media Player. We're serious about this stuff, you know."
On the technical side, Microsoft's code-cutters have a big problem with the ruling. Microsoft's Roger Ramjet look-alike, Jim Allchin, Group Vice President for Platforms, had this to say.
"This is a huge technical problem. We can get the Media Player out of Windows easily enough, ‘cause we put it in with jello. But when we take something out, making all the error dialogs for stuff that no longer works is a big programming job. It could take months, given that our guys copy most of our stuff from other computer companies and third party developers. We should charge the Euros for this programming. It'll be very expensive, and our guys are really slow and don’t like to work."
From the trenches
As usual, most Windows users have no idea what is happening, and most are still hoping that spam, poor programming and viruses will magically disappear from Windows. Lionel Van Wonderburger, of Berlin, put it this way: "Well, I just don't know. I still can't read PDFs and that game it took me 19 hours to download won't work, even though it came with a pirated serial number. And I think I've got some sort of virus, 'cause the cursor has turned into a gerbil. What was the question again?".
Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer, also weighed in with his comments. "My guess is they'll copy our error messages. Ours are in English, and they're jumping onto the English bandwagon too. I don't understand it really ... they've never cared about error messages before."
Mahoud Mahmamia, head of the Error & Miscellaneous Computer Dialog Association (EMCDA), said that Microsoft should tread carefully. "There are a lot of error patents out there. They need to be careful. I know our predominantly Indian membership will be guarding their intellectual property zealously. If the evil empire copies their work, I know they would welcome it as a great money-making opportunity. Things are a bit slow right now." 99% of the programmers in EMCDA currently work under Windows, mainly for third party developers, and the majority cannot speak English, let alone code in it.
Complicated
Legal experts say that the case is much more complicated than it appears, and that it could easily drag on for another seventeen years. According to the Brussels legal muscle, John Claude Van Dumb "Microsoft can take the EU to the International Court of Last Chance for Monopolists, and string this out for years. That chimp Monti is retiring soon anyway, and most people think this is pre-retirement grandstanding. Me, I'd put my money on Microsoft. You'll win more than you would investing in the Hard Rock Cafe, that's for sure!".
The European probe was triggered by a 1998 complaint from Sun, one of the world's biggest makers of computers that run websites (those funny coloured things with silly animated GIFs and stupid starry things that follow your cursor). Scott McNealy, CEO of Sun, would not offer a comment for this article, but did write to us by e-mail. He said "Cripes, that was years ago. Is it only happening now? I'm over Bill-bashing anyway. I've discovered origami. Personally, I'm a lot calmer these days".
Megabuck fines
The EU commission has the power to fine violators of EU antitrust law up to 10 per cent of their annual global sales. In Microsoft's case, that's a heck of a lot of money. If you imagine 93 stretch limos full of unmarked $1000 notes, you'll get the idea. In practice, fines have never exceeded 1 per cent of sales, as European politicians would never be able to raise any money to campaign for re-election without big corporations, and would be reduced to wearing signs telling people how honest they are.
Fines are based on the gravity and duration of the abuse, with other factors such as "cooperation" playing a mitigating or aggravating role. Given that the last time Microsoft cooperated with anyone was during its basketball game with Apple Computer in 1978, there is little likelihood that there will be much help from Microsoft. Apple Computer, however, indicated that it was willing to play Microsoft again. Avadis "Avie" Tevanian, Jr., Ph.D, who played for the Apple team in 1978, commented that the Microsoft team would be "the same bunch of losers, only older".
Sloppy out, Inept in
The EU Commission, which has been widely criticised for sloppy preparation in previous antitrust cases, claims it has overcome its preparation problems. Mr. Monti today claimed that "this case is tighter than an Orangoutang's pantyhose". Why is Mr. Monti so confident? Apparently it is because the EU Commission subcontracted a large part of the case out, and let someone else prepare it. In fact, Inept Research of Brussels was contracted to provide business polling, research and case presentation, leaving the EU Commission to make the photocopies.
According to Miguel G. Inept, CEO of Inept Research, "an overwhelming majority" of businesses the company polled didn't know or particularly like anyone from Microsoft, felt that Windows should be free, and were sick and tired of viruses, spam, bad programming and Hotmail. Only 1% thought that Microsoft were, underneath it all, nice people, and none thought Bill Gates should be the world's richest man, based upon their experiences with Windows. "Proof positive", according to Mr. Inept.
Nondisclosure of information
Microsoft's non-disclosure of technical information was also addressed in the polling. Again, "an overwhelming majority" of businesses indicated that Microsoft were "dirty rats" for not revealing interface information, so that they could replace their Windows servers with cheap Linux boxes using free or pirated software. 75% of respondents agreed that Windows servers only work properly with other Windows servers (sometimes), while the remaining 25% claimed that Windows servers don't work properly at all. 100% of respondents said they would like to see the Windows source code, just so they could boast to their friends.
Microsoft spokesman Jim Desler, when asked to comment on the source code problem, commented "Well, most people think we used the intellectual property (source code) idea in our US antitrust case to fend of the Justice Department, but it didn't have a lot to do with it, really. I think our contributions to the Bush election campaign had far more effect, personally, as the case went to water after Bush was elected. It was like the Justice Department and the courts started working for us. Golly, it's great to be born into a real democracy!".
The future
Desler is upbeat about the future for Microsoft, and doesn't see much to worry about in Europe. "We own Europe now. They're just trying to pin our ears back. Bill will never let some backwater bunch of countries change Windows. After all, he didn't even let the US change it much. Just a bunch of icons, really, a couple of new people at Redmond, and a day in court every now and then."
Maybe so, but the EU regulators certainly appear to have the bit between their teeth in this legal battle, no matter how confident Desler and Microsoft may appear. Our insiders at Microsoft tell us that their error dialog programmers are already wondering if they can afford the therapy to cope with a huge influx of work. According to our sources, one has even spoken about selling up his stock options and going to work for Oracle, who have offered him a position in their "unbreakable" department, where he expects to never have to work again.
Microsoft may have no time for errors, but the EU Commission is proving to be increasingly insistent. The only organisation not concerned is the Error & Miscellaneous Computer Dialog Association. All their Indian programmers are really keen to work, learn English, get a green card, some stock options, and start pushing their subordinates around. It looks like these lucky people may be at the forefront of a new technology boom, should the gavel fall on Microsoft’s fingers in Europe.
Footnote: This article is dedicated to Andrew Marlatt, who was the King of web satire until he closed shop. During the years that he ran Satirewire, he wrote some hilarious satires on Microsoft, which is of course, one of the world's worthiest targets for a satirist. To read some of Andrew's Microsoft stories, just click here.
See you all in the next issue! Ian McPherson
DownUnder Editor |
