General Dynamics Land Systems (GDLS) of Falls Church Virginia, has announced that it is taking orders for its new Abroom SUV road tank, based on the company's highly successful M1A2 SEP Abrams battle tank. Looking to broaden the company's operations, from land and amphibious combat vehicles into the domestic SUV market, GDLS has promised "to sweep aside the Hummer" and "let people choose the vehicle that really won the Iraq war on the ground".

Mike Hennessey, Manager of Marketing Communications at GDLS, and widely perceived to be the marketing genius behind the Abroom, admitted that psychology played a big part in the project. "Research told us that Americans wanted 'armoured cars for the road', to appeal to their deep seated fear of violence and crime. They want 'aggressive' transport, and the meaner our Abroom looks in a Toyota rear view mirror, the better. We're taking the 'urban assault luxury vehicle' concept one step further. If you want to scare the pants off the driver in front, what better way than with an Abrams road tank?"

Dr. Maximillian Ludwig Freud, great-grandson of the world-famous psychiatrist Dr. Sigmund Freud, agrees. "Tapping in to the average American's basic fears is good marketing. The government does it all the time. Chrysler's PT Cruiser was consciously designed to look like a gangster's car from the 1930s, so that people felt like 'Al Capone at the wheel...with a machine gun'. The Dodge Durango was designed to look like a 'big, dangerous jungle cat', which is why they put giant bumpers on it, to look like a strong jawline. And fins during the 1950s - well - we've all seen Jaws haven't we?".

Opinions vary

Californian political contender, action film star and self-confessed playboy, Arnold Schwarzenneger, whose father was a low-level Nazi during World War II, also agrees. "I got the Hummer ball rolling after Gulf War I. I wanted a real kick-ass car for myself - so I could scare smaller people looking up at me with my awesome pecs and rock-like jawline, and pick up dumb chicks at the Mall - and I told AM General so. They figured they could get some great PR, make some real money, and the rest is history. Now I'm gonna be the Governator, pick up even more dumb chicks, and make Bill Clinton look like a saint! Ain't life a hoot?"

Not everyone is so easily entertained. Consumer Project for US Automobile Responsibility (CPUSAR) spokesperson, Akiko Mitsuhondatoyota, is concerned that the move away from "cranial cars" (those purchased for sensible reasons) reveals a serious neurosis in the collective US psyche. "This is like wearing boats on your feet instead of shoes, for goodness' sake! Why would anyone but a psychopath, a crooked politician, or a playboy bodybuilder, require a road tank instead of a Toyota? What's wrong with these people?"

Michael Moore, author of the Academy award-winning "Bowling for Columbine" documentary, was scathing, but not about the Abroom. "George W. Bush is lazier than a lounge lizard on a beanbag. Instead of protecting our country, or saving us from turning into a banana republic, he's raising loot for his stupid re-election campaign. Bush gave a 24 minute speech the other day, and raised $1.4 million. That's $60,000 a minute, and he's not even a decent speaker. The weekly salary of the average American worker is only $616, and this guy gets megabucks just for drooling incoherently at an audience."

Academic and political reaction

Left-wing academic, political activist and MIT Professor, Noam Chomsky, was more objective than Michael Moore, but substantially less comprehensible. "In this version of the traditional 'car on a US road' conception, formulated by the founders of realist SUV theory, America has a 'transcendent purpose', 'the establishment of freedom of auto', and American politics is designed to achieve this 'national purpose', however flawed it may be in execution. History has a discernible direction and destination. Uniquely among all the nations of the world, the United States comprehends and manifests history's purpose. It follows that US 'auto hegemony' is the realization of history's purpose and its application is therefore for the common good, a truism that renders empirical evaluation irrelevant."

Long-time consumer advocate and Green Party spokesperson, Ralph Nader, felt that the Abroom would be hard pressed to pass California's stricter emission laws. "If that jerk Schwarzenegger thinks that he can actually drive that thing in California, he should go back to doing Oui interviews! The Greens will have him in court faster than the White House, NSC, and EPA officials who conspired to deceive the people of New York about the unhealthy state of the air near the World Trade Center site in the months after the attacks of September 11, 2001. And then it's Hosta La Vista - and heeeelloooo jailbait - you big boofy bodybuilder!"

Extras, extras, read all about them!

Clearly, the Abroom is an intimidating mode of transport, that will raise almost as much ire as it will raise eyebrows. The remarkable list of options reinforces this perception, and makes the limited list of options for the Hummer pale by comparison. General Dynamics has gone out of its way to offer almost every conceivable automotive, leisure and military option, in its mission to out-hum the Hummer.

Amongst the automotive and leisure options are satellite TV, patented "gun-barrel-to-pump" petrol adaptor, rotating water bed with complimentary urinating baby angels, leopard skin, shagpile and leather-and-rubber interior design schemes, fold-out camping canopy with leisure chairs, a range of steer-horn hood ornaments, and much more.

The military options include the new Raytheon Commander's Independent Thermal Threat Viewer with 2nd generation thermal incoming-fire imager, Commander's Display for digital colour terrain maps featuring dayglo-outlined fleeing target display, DRS Technologies second generation thermal gunner's sight with new "Bin Laden" target overlay, Driver's integrated display and thermal management system for predicting sneak terrorist attacks, and the super-expensive, automatic-fire magazine and ammunition option (requires optional maxi-trailer).

Serious grunt

The Abroom is equipped with a Honeywell AGT Z-2000 gas turbine engine, producing around 15,000 bhp in unmodified form, and an Allison X-2000-8B transmission with six forward and two reverse gears. This combination is capable of propelling the Abroom to a theoretical top speed of 175mph. For safety reasons, the company has electronically governed the top speed to around 125mph, to avoid the turret blowing off and killing innocent commuters and pedestrians.

Hot-rodders, however, are already discussing the potential for after-market modifications, and see great potential for the Abroom. Current points leader in the 2003 NHRA POWERade Top Fuel Championship, Larry Dixon Jr., intends to take the Abroom as far as it can go. "My mechanics tell me that we could easily get 100,000 bhp from one of these puppies. With eight fat slicks for traction, that's serious quarter mile potential! We're going to weld down the turret, lighten it a bit with fiberglass body panels, put a wing on the back, and deck it out with a knockout spray job. We expect it to be faster out of the gate than a Republican at a fundraiser!"

Sold out

Reaction to the Abroom has been extraordinary, with more than 200 pre-paid orders from Texan oil millionaires, retired US Army Generals, US and Saudi politicians, and US and UK film and rock stars. Failed film actress, one-time singer and successful calendar girl for the ageing baby boomer market, Madonna, told us that "I'm always looking for something bigger, bolder and funkier. If Arnie wants one, I want one too."

The unprecedented "desirability" of the Abroom has surprised even its manufacturer, and may result in litigation between owners desperate to own the "first Abroom off the factory floor". Veteran actor, National Rifle Association pinup and 2001 Planet of the Apes death-scene star, Charlton Heston, has threatened to sue old-but-fit action leg-man Chuck Norris, both of whom are claiming the right to own the very first Abroom.

Heston, in a medication-induced fit of pique over the issue, recently challenged Norris to a duel, using any weapon but legs. Most kung fu experts agree that Norris, who is one of the few men to have ever laid a toe on Bruce Lee, should win, unless Heston manages to talk Norris into a duel by rifle, in which case Norris will probably gain a third eye.

Fuel consumption

Critics of the Abroom have been quick to lambaste its outrageously poor fuel consumption. The budget Abroom, with no options or air conditioning, consumes a record-breaking 12 gallons of gas per mile, while the fully-optioned "Iraq Invader" model consumes 21 gallons per mile. None of the early buyers, of course, care a whit, but environmentalists and political activists are up in arms.

Michael Moore, who promised to forget George Bush and concentrate on the question, stated that "Most of my fellow Americans think that we get cheap gas. It's all government lies. If you add the $4 billion per month for Iraq, and the $1 billion a month for Afghanistan, and the rest of the money the US Army spends guarding god-forsaken, backwater oil pipelines all over the globe, gas costs us all an enormous amount of money. Get grip. Get a Toyota!"

Sean "under construction" Penn, dreamy karmic conspiracy theorist and Hollywood anti-war activist, agreed totally. "Michael's right Dude. Make love not Oil, OK? I went to Iraq, you know, and even though the US government will probably fine me senseless, I have enough to pay. People say I'm not getting very good roles right now, 'cause I say what I think - but it's just not true. Ron Silver and Robert Duvall offered me a role in their upcoming terrorist blockbuster just the other day. I'd be playing a really dumb anti-war activist who tries to suck up to an insane and ruthless dictator, only to come to a sticky end all over a wall-mounted map of the Middle East. It's a great role!"

More realistic evaluations of the Abroom's fuel consumption problems came from Mahatma Hydrowindthermal, President of the Association for Faintly Feasible US Ongoing Gas Guzzling (AFRUSGG). Mr. Hydrowindthermal commented that the fuel consumption from just 500 Abrooms, driven fairly conservatively, would lead to significant US gas shortages within 5 years. "The Abroom will have a serious impact. It chews up at least 67 times more gas than a Toyota Corolla. General Dynamics should have manufactured a hybrid version too, that's more environmentally friendly, to give the US public a responsible choice."

Hybrid version?

Diehard fans of the Abroom were forthright in rejecting this contention. According to Jamie ""KKK" Dorkling Jr, of Jackson Hole, Wyoming; "What the hell would I want a hybrid version for? To impress the conservationist next door? Get serious - I want to run him over, not impress him. This SUV is about danger, fear and revenge, friend. It's like Duel with guns, not bumpers. Give me freedom of choice and depleted uranium! Not some woozy Japanese tin can that swaps over to 'electric' whenever I floor the gas pedal. Give me a real weapon! Give me Abroom!".

And so it goes. In the commercial battle for US SUV sales, where almost anything goes, both tempers and fuel consumption are on the rise, and the most serious combatants are preparing to fight it out on the highway. Even though it is predicted that the US will have to import 70% of its oil by 2025, there is little evidence that the "sea change" in consumer thinking, long awaited by US sustainability proponents, will occur, and force the government to invest seriously in alternative fuel sources.

The Abroom may indeed "sweep aside the Hummer". But environmentalists increasingly warn that US oil consumption, overseas resource wars, gas-guzzling SUVs, global warming and pollution may end up sweeping humanity under mother nature's carpet. For people like Jamie Dorkling, however, who just want the power and intimidation that the Abroom SUV represents; "That's the whole idea, man!".

(Apologies to Michael Moore, Ralph Nader and Noam Chomsky :)

See you all in the next issue! 

Ian McPherson
DownUnder Editor