Dubya Down Under
by Ian McPherson
 Home on the range
When John Howard, Australia's Prime Minister, visited the Bush ranch with his wife prior to the Iraq war, George W. promised he'd do his best to drop into Australia over the next year or so, speak to the Australian Parliament and share a "shrimp on the barby".
What the two conservatives had in mind was a public relations/photo opportunity coup, complete with an adoring Australian public, hurling rose petals in front of their leaders' slippered-but-callused feet, heroes of the Iraq liberation, Sheriff and Deputy Sheriff of the democratic, western world.
Uh, Oh...
Neither imagined at the time, of course, that the situation in Iraq could possibly degenerate, as it has, into America's own taxpayer-funded Gaza Strip, a military occupation resented and resisted by many of the Iraqi people.
In their earlier years, Howard studied law, Bush, as far as I can tell from the US press, partied when not studiously avoiding military service. Certainly neither Bush nor Howard studied history with any intent, or they would both know that empire has never really worked.
Even Britain, during its empiric adventures in Iraq earlier this century, realised that it had to form an economic alliance with the merchants in Iraq, which in turn led to a form of domestic stability. In today's Iraq, all contracts go to US corporations, which are then free to subcontract out to whoever they please. Naturally enough, this enrages the Iraqis, as it is their country.
Many in the US Occupation forces do not even trust the Iraqis to clean their quarters, and they employ cheap labour from Asia instead, when they have the choice.
In a foreign neighbourhood, in a foreign country, where they speak a foreign language, and whip out their prayer mats to pray at their discretion, I would be desperate for someone to trust and understand.
Surrounding myself with my own kind, cheap foreign labour, mercenaries and corporate gold-diggers seems to me like erecting a wall of sand in the face of nature's perfect storm; the righteous rage of a nation promised a true democracy, not a long-term US military and economic occupation.
Afghan Blues
The Christian Science Monitor website recently released research on the nation building efforts in Afghanistan. The slow international funding and even slower reconstruction is showing little improvement on the ground. And because only 16% of the funds went through Afghan government channels, it has failed to build the new government's capacity or legitimacy. The peculiar dynamics of Afghanistan means that the warlords don't particularly care who gets the contracts, as long as they get their cut and clear control of the poppy trade. But because of the nature of the funding for rebuilding, and its management by foreigners, the Afghan government can't grow, and still can't venture outside Kabul.
If Iraq goes the same way, however, there will be fireworks. They don't have any poppies, they only have oil. And indications are that they, and a growing band of nutbag arab sympathisers, are prepared to help them fight for it. The number of attacks on US forces in Iraq hit 35 the other day. This war may be over, but the resistance is just starting.
Unless George W. gets wise, and starts to hand out some of the fat reconstruction contracts to Iraqis, and lets them decide whether they want to subcontract Halliburton or not, the government infrastructure will not grow and mature. Only more violence will ensue.
Prior to his election, George Bush said he wouldn't involve the US in nation building. Now he has two new nations, and both are showing signs of regression and increased violence.
Saying the Iraqis aren't ready for democracy doesn't cut it. They have to be. Long-term military occupation is not an option. It's just a death sentence for young US troops, most of whom joined the US army to get an education and a job.
The Bush/Howard agenda
Irritated by the Australian Senate, which refuses to rubber-stamp his legislation without amendment, John Howard has been pushing hard for Senate reform, to bring about his dream of single-party rule, inspired by George W's success in eliminating the political opposition in the US.
Howard, however, is more ambitious than George W. He wants to eliminate the Australian Senate entirely, so his party can remain in power indefinitely, control legislation entirely, and suck up all the corporate funding available. It probably won't work, but this is the sort of thing these people dream about.
As I write this, the US and Australia are secretly negotiating a Free Trade Agreement, with Australia chasing access to the US agriculture markets, and the US chasing investment opportunities in Australia's media, medical and education markets. Currently, the odds are 50/50 on an acceptable outcome that suits both parties.
Australians are not very keen on letting our conservative government negotiate for them, and they sure as hell don't like it happening in secret. But in this day and age, this is the way it is done. Somewhere along the line, the people have been forgotten - only corporations and lobby groups can influence the outcome, and the public has no lobby group in Australia except the Senate.
Howard, I sometimes imagine in my kinder moments, falls gently to sleep most nights counting spring lambs, lazily lofting themselves over stacks of greenbacks, courtesy of George W's US Free Trade Agreement; a sure-fire way of ensuring on-going funding for his right-wing agenda.
Bob Brown
Bob Brown, the Greens' Senator, has always been a thorn in PM John Howard's side. Bob flits from one anti-war rally to another, not making a great deal of sense, but showing his face at least, and every now and then, making it into the papers, sometimes even the Murdoch press. 
Where he really torments Howard though is in the Senate, where he, the Democrats (yes, Australia has some too) and the independents strip the spin from Howard's proposed legislation and lean back heavily on Howard's cabinet of Chardonnay-scoffing corporate caterers, demanding real amendments that serve the Australian public.
Howard hates this, and any other form of dissent, so you can imagine his reaction when Bob Brown, right in the middle of George W's speech to the Australian parliament, hoisted himself aloft, and lobbed out; "Mr. Bush, this is Australia. Respect our nation's laws. Return our Australian citizens from Guantanamo Bay. If you respect the world's laws, the world will respect you.” 
Bob was referring to two Australian citizens captured with Taliban forces in Afghanistan, who have been detained without trial or charge in Guantanamo prison in Cuba. Neither the UK or Australian citizens have been released to their own governments, and they are expected to face US military trials.
Well, heck, John Howard was so embarrassed for George W. that he turned lobster-red and reportedly stayed that way for the rest of the day. It almost spoiled the BBQ he'd organised for Bush, complete with Aussie tucker (food), lifestyle, sporting and business heroes. What a typically Australian political muckup!
The menu
OK, here's what the stars and politicians dined on at the Bush BBQ. The word from the newspapers is they had to fly the prawns (shrimp) and scallops in from Sydney, and the mangoes from Queensland, so they were perfectly fresh. This would have been, without a doubt, one BBQ worth attending, if just for the food :) - Entree
Barbecued Prawns and Scallops set with a crisp Asian salad and a mild chilli and coriander dressing - Main
Char-grilled Beef fillet and Lamb cutlet served on a warm potato salad with asparagus, baby rocket and a tomato jus - Dessert
Macadamia Pavlova Roulade with passionfruit ice cream and new season mangoes - Wines
Margaret River sauvignon blanc semillon and Coonawarra cabernet sauvignon
And now, the Bush BBQ all-stars! 
There were stars aplenty at the Bush BBQ. Yep, you guessed it. One was that odd fellow who wrestles crocodiles, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin. This is one bloke that doesn't have to change into something more comfortable to fly down from Queensland. Reportedly this is all that he wears, and he has a cupboard full of spares, all the same size and colour. Anyone remember Jeff Goldblum in The Fly? Hmmmmm...
Also fronting up at the BBQ was Kerry Packer, Australia's richest businessman and hobby gambler, Alan Jones, right-wing radio talkback host and multimillionaire, Lleyton Hewett, tennis star, sportsman Mark Taylor and an array of "let's impress the leader of the free world" rent-a-party celebrities, politicians and diplomats.
Mind you, there wasn't an opposition politician to be seen. Opposition leader Simon Crean didn't get an invite. That wouldn't have been because the opposition campaigned against Australia's involvement in the Iraq war without a UN mandate, would it? Naaaahhhh... and it's only a rumour that they took chicken off the menu because they didn't want to offer left and right wings ... Deputy Dawg
Well, that just about covers Dubya down under. George will have forgotten most of it by now, as it was a whirlwind tour of Asia and Australia, and they were all exhausted when they hit Australia. But it may take John Howard a while to get over it.
No doubt he will redouble his efforts to pay back Senator Bob Brown for his interjection during the Bush speech to parliament. And there's no doubt that Brown and the opposition will lob back "Deputy Dawg" jibes at Howard, who George W. praised as his "sheriff" in the South Pacific.
Life, meanwhile, goes on. All the best to you all from the home of the Canberra Bush BBQ - the second best BBQ in the world, next to the genuine event in Crawford, Texas :)
See you all in the next issue! Ian McPherson
DownUnder Editor |
