Practical Resolutions
by James Chenoweth and David Ibanez Once again, a new year has come. We have gotten our minds ready for an unbelievable evening, and we have already removed the live rounds from the sawed off pump action pistol grip shot gun in the other room in preparation for our company tonight. Always know your friends before you party with them, I say.
Let us not throw ourselves to the debauchery of the festive day. We therefore compel ourselves to first embark on a small attempt at making New Year's resolutions. You probably think New Year's resolutions are just for your parents, but fear not. You too can take great enjoyment in articulating some of your flaws and even greater enjoyment in failing to improve upon them later.
Common pitfalls in New Year's resolutions include weight loss or other dietary regulations and restrictions. Also included in these cliché resolutions are the ever popular quit smoking and drinking. Not all resolutions are based on restrictions, rather inclusions such as attempting to study more.
These rather common and ultimately perilous New Year's resolutions we have discovered are grounded in improvements to yourself that you don't really want to make. For, if you did, it would not take a new calendar year to force you to make them. For this reason, we encourage you to create New Year's resolutions you truly wish to fulfill.
Why set yourself up for disappointment? Instead, aim for goals that you will enjoy endeavoring to achieve. For instance, we will, in the year 2004, attempt to get shot down by more girls than we heretofore may claim. Also, we wish to out drink such American greats as Earnest Hemingway and Charlie Sheen. These resolutions not only teach us to seek new heights, they simultaneously inspire us to reach new lows.
There even further continues to be a variety of ways one can aim to become the person that they are destined to continue to be. You must however approach it with the appropriate attitude. Sure you throw a good party every now and then. But have you thrown quite as many parties in 2003 as you would have liked, and may I say, deserved? You owe yourself these things. Make a resolution to throw more plentiful and greater parties in 2004. Require yourself one party a season, and for every major holiday. Did you throw one on Groundhog Day? And make a goal of greatness for your parties. Can you get every party member drunk by 9 pm? Sure you can. Just believe in yourself and these successes will follow.
In conclusion, plan to take these next set of resolutions as serious as your hormones demand. They are there for a reason. Why burden yourself with limitations when in your heart, you know who you really are?
Consider the party resolution. Have a major party at least once a season. Not only will you get to meet more people, you will have a crash course in cleaning your house every time. Also, add onto how many girls you ask out on a daily basis. Make it a resolution to ask out more girls at bars than you have in the past. Try to take more weekends away to see America. You won't be this young and free forever. Speaking of trying new things, try to sample as many types of illicit beverages. This cultures yourself in ways that will look sophisticated later in life. If you really want to look sophisticated early, become a wine and cigar aficionado. This is a goal that anyone can enjoy attaining.
There you have it. All of these increases to your current will most certainly make 2004 a fantastic new year. Good luck. |
