I know you girls love this stuff. I think it has something to do with the color red. Maybe just knowing that we males are obligated to give you presents to maintain our relationships, as well as nag and complain minimization. Guys always get things wrong over Valentine's Day, so I want to make sure your gender knows what it is doing wrong.

Don't Expect So Much

No, this is not a cop-out, nor an excuse for our lack of Valentine's Day understanding. You really expect too much. Give the college boys a break. College boys are poor, and I mean destitute. We own nothing. And in this economy, things are even worse. K-Mart is gonna go out of business, and then where are we going to buy you gifts!? After you count in student loans and credit cards, most college boys have net worths that resemble a dot-com's asset sheets. So, relax, take what you can get. Paying for flowers or candy is the equivalent of a Lexus, as far as I'm concerned. If you get a nice dinner, count it as income on your taxes next year.

Not only are guys poor, ladies. Guys are stupid. Dumb. Mentally deficient. Obtuse. You cannot count on them to get Valentine's Day right at all. This is why we say stupid things. This is why we have bad grades. We have no clue what's going on, and we drink on the weekends, with each passing brain cell getting dumber by the minute. Not another excuse, just don't take it personally when we screw up Valentine's Day, because we will. Oh yes, you can go to Vegas on that. Remember, it's a commercial holiday. Don't let it affect your relationship negatively.

No Free-riders

I got news for you, girls, Valentine's Day, isn't solely your holiday. I mean, in actuality it is, for we certainly would vote it down, if it wasn't political suicide. So, because we are stuck with it, do your part and reciprocate a little. People like gifts, even if they come on an over-commercialized greeting card lobby national holiday. This said, let me clue you into some very non-cheesy, good ideas for the masculine male in your life.

I know Valentine's Day is a very effeminate holiday. Don't use this excuse as a reason to give your boyfriend a bear or something else he will have to feign interest in. It does not take much to turn a gift your boyfriend will love into something givable on V-D Day. Simply tie a red ribbon around it. Anything in the world becomes a festive Valentine's Day gift with a red bow it. I have a few hints for you.

We love alcohol. As un-romantic as you might think, our favorite bottle of whiskey or scotch (use only if your boyfriend is hard-core like me) looks just sweet as roses with a red velvet ribbon around it. Never mind the fact that you know we will use it to get hammered with our friends later. If you choose Brandy or Wine, you'll get a bit of your return back, because you'll recommend we open it right away by the fireplace.

Does your boyfriend enjoy a good cigar (insert favorite Clinton joke here)? Get him a couple or (if he's lucky) a whole box. A red ribbon here will make the boy smile, while his lungs cringe. You score major points if you give a guy a cigar. And if things don't work out, word will have gotten around and you'll have your pick of his cigar-smoking friends.

Chocolate covered strawberries also provide you with the artillery you need to impress your boyfriend, and make him feel a little more special on Valentine's Day. Yes, we like chocolate too, and we won't complain about our thighs after we eat it. This is another one that you can get a piece of your investment back - just watch your thighs.

Don't you want your beau taking in something bad for his health? Try a pen. I'm talking a nice pen and pencil set (again wrapped in red ribbon, of course), the kind Mont Blanc or Cross (buy American) manufactures. You can get these engraved with your mushy message even. He can use it at class, and it will be a constant reminder of you. Keep in mind it will deter him from hitting on the girl next to him in Economics.

One more quick, cheap tip: Make him dinner! He won't have to book a restaurant, and he'll have less of an excuse to get you something expensive. Besides, as chauvinistic as it might be, a girl cooking for you scores big points with us.

Obviously, you know your boyfriend better than I do, but I highly recommend the preceding guide. Results may vary. Use your best judgment. The best thing to remember, in all seriousness, is that if you truly care for this guy, there isn't a thing either of you can do to ruin the day, so enjoy.