Right about now, you're probably realizing that your summer wasn't nearly as productive as your "political science and human rights double major with emphasis on 3rd world economics and minor in bio-chemistry" buddies.

While they were interning in Geneva with the U.N., you were trying to figure out how to get your Fall classes to be Tuesday and Thursday, between the hours of 1 and 6 PM only. Bad move. If you're going to have any chance of staying on top of the intellectual community at your prestigious institution, you'll need a solid game plan to help you blitz through the Fall 2002. Here are my suggestions.

1. Arrive late to your dorm or housing assignment. The first person always gets screwed for having to buy the basic amenities like toilet paper and Top Ramen. Your first roommate will get to set up shop in the prime spaces in your cabinets, but as the year wears on, your steady poaching of his/her supplies will discourage the use of any shared space. Besides, you probably haven't visited your uncles and aunts as much as you promised you would. Now's the time to do it in the hopes of adding an extra 150 bucks before you hit the road.

2. Once you register, stay out of the gym for the first three weeks. Look, you had all summer to exercise. "This is the summer I'm really going to build my body," you told yourself. But you didn't, just like you didn't last year. But unlike last year, you're not going to embarrass yourself with the 20 lb. dumbbells again. Let the other students keep their delusions of being a "hard body" until they give up (just like they did Fall 2001). You should spend this free time actually applying for REAL COURSES--the ones worth 5 units and have mini-sections on Friday afternoons.

3. If you haven't already joined a fraternity or sorority, good for you. Don't do it now. You're not a freshman anymore, so there's no real "cool" appeal to it now. It would be like starting smoking when you're 70 so that you can fit in with your buddies at Wednesday night bingo. If you happen to really be interested in doing wonderful community service work and would like to pledge for that reason, avoid the hazing and heavy dues by simply volunteering for free.

4. You probably know this by now, but if you don't: DO NOT be the point person for any dinner or bar excursion. Don't order pizza for a study group, and don't plan your roommate's birthday. You'll fall into what I like to call the "Denny's Phenominon." When the check comes, you're guaranteed to come up short. Someone will be bickering about only ordering the onion rings; another will say she already put in 10 dollars which more than covers her tip on account of her only ordering the salad and an ice tea. You get the hint.

Lastly, keep up with your laundry. While this may seem obvious, remember that the only people who sign up for credit cards on campus for the free t-shirt are those who are running low on clothes. They say they'll never use the card but always do for things like frat/soro dues and paying the dinner check for the group in exchange for cash.