Cyber Romance
by Jan Sopshier

So many of us work too hard, or spend so much time with our families that we don't have time to get out and meet people. While the most optimistic among us expect prince charming or princess charming to knock on our front door between our favorite TV shows, or online chats, most of us realize that this won't happen.

As more people are getting online, more are turning to cyber dating services or cyber dating chats.

Before we start...you need to recognize that the only way to stay truly safe in a dating situation is to not date, period! There are always risks in dating, especially when you date strangers...blind dates, first dates and cyber-dates. Also, teens should not be cyber dating...there are special rules for teens online. These tips are just for those over 18 years old.

Cyber dating is a bit different from the other first dates, though. When you first meet a cyber date in person, off-line, you feel as though you know them...the normal first date precautions are often tossed to the wind. You know their favorite actors, authors and foods. You know everything they have told you...but they may not have been telling you the truth. You don't really know them. So treat them as a stranger...use all the normal precautions you use with strangers, even cute ones. You shouldn't give any more information to a first cyber date than you would to a stranger you meet on a plane, or in a club, or in a bar.

Women tend to lie about their weight or age, while men tend to lie about their income, level of baldness and athletic condition. Teenagers pretend to be older than they are. The one rule you can count on is that everyone lies a little. So, keep an open mind.

That photo they sent you may be five years old, heavily doctored up with PhotoShop, from when they used to be thin or when they had hair, or of someone else altogether. The best thing about the Internet is also the most dangerous...a person's personality can show through, what you are inside gets a chance to shine without getting overpowered by what you are outside. But, the cues we use in life, body language, dress, personal hygiene, tone of voice...the way we judge the truth of statements...are lost in cyberspace.

Take your time, use your head and be careful!!!

But, that said, many people have found love online...so if you're still interested in trying to find your soul mate, here are a few safety tips:

Don't Believe Everything You Read On-line

You can be anything, or anyone you want to be online. I keep trying to get people to believe that I'm tall, blonde and gorgeous! (So far, no takers...). That cute brunette 24 year old guy may not be cuter, may not be 24 and most importantly, may not be a guy. There is not truth in advertising protection when you date online.

Don't Give Out Personal Information On-line

Personal information that would let someone find you off-line would never be shared online. Your full name, where you work, where you live, your phone number (see my note on giving out your phone number), your fax number...these should not be shared online.


Take Your Time. Don't Rush Into Things.

Take your time to try to get to know the person online first. Everyone can put their best cyber-foot forward in the first couple e-mails. Being consistent is tougher. Make sure you keep the old e-mails to compare the information they give you. In one e-mails, he might tell you he works for the postal service, in another that he is a student, make sure you check out these inconsistencies. He could be taking night classes, or he could just as easily be lying.


Start With A Phone Call

You should move from fantasies and chatting online to a phone call before you meet off-line in person. The safest way to do this is by using a public phone. Set up a time for the call, and give the other person the telephone number of the public phone. Once you are comfortable enough, you can share real phone numbers, but make sure you have caller ID service. If things go sour, you can always block their calls. It also let's you know what their number really is. If they block your caller id., don't accept their calls.

When You Do Meet, Do It With A Friend And In A Very Public Place

The first time you meet in person, bring a friend. Meet in a mall, or fast food restaurant. Plan for a short first time get together, coffee or a soda. Tell them in advance that it will just be for a few minutes, so they will understand. Treat this as a blind date, only with more care. In a blind date someone you know knows this person, in a cyber dating situation, no one really knows this person. If he insists on meeting you alone, don't go.

Tell A Friend

Make sure someone knows who you are meeting, where you are going and when you're coming back. (Someone other than the person you take with you.) Store all the host, and let your friend know where to find them. If anything goes wrong, they will be the source of information on how to locate the person you have been chatting with.

Never Leave Or Go Home With Them

You can extend the meeting to dinner, or anything else in a public place. But...PUBLIC is the operative word here. Remember when your mother told you never to get into a car with a stranger? Don't go home with them, to a private place of any kind...not for awhile. Take this slow, even if you're not used to taking dating slow...this is special.

Report Any Attacks Or Threats To Law Enforcement

If things go wrong, whether you followed the rules or not...don't be embarrassed to go to the police. Give them all the facts. If you don't report them, they in all likelihood will do it again. You are allowed to say "no" and have it respected. If anything goes wrong, it's not your fault.

Don't Be Embarrassed To Insist On The Following Rules

Your safety is the most important thing. Anyone who cares about you will respect you for being careful. Safe cyber dating, like safe sex is just smart! Although we hope that the person you meet online is your true soul mate...we want to make sure you are safe. It's like defensive driving...even if you are the best driver in the whole wide world...there are all those other drivers out there to worry about...this is defensive cyber dating. AND IT'S JUST PLAIN SMART!!!

If You Are Being Cyber-Stalked Or Harassed, Get Help!

Don't respond when the stalker contacts you. Just ignore them...most of the time they go away. Never share a photo with anyone online you wouldn't want broadcast to 120 million people all over the world. Often cyber romances end in one party cyber stalking the other. Don't give them any ammunition. When the old-fashioned "for a good time, call Sally" is posted on one bathroom wall, the results can be horrible, when it's posted on the Internet's cyber-wall of sexual Usenet groups and chats...it can be very dangerous!

So...have fun, but be smart...and do it safely!