Santa Claus on Schedule This Year
by David Currie

During one of his last scheduled press conferences before beginning his appointed rounds, Saint Nicholas told these roving reporters that everything is on schedule for the 2001 annual Christmas flight.  Santa also mentioned that those wishing to submit last minute Christmas wish lists can still do so by leaving a message at http://www.saintnicholas.com/.  While it is too late to receive a reply from Santa before Christmas, he has staff checking Christmas messages until minutes before take off from the North Pole.  Santa indicated that we could also find specific information about the actual day he visits each country at the above website.

Santa plans to take off from the North Pole just before midnight UTC (Coordinated Universal Time).  We were told by his flight staff that Santa continues to use the traditional 8 team reindeer to power his sleigh (Rudolf still flies lead).  You can track Santa’s flight online (or at least most of it) at http://www.noradsanta.org/santasplash.jpg.  We were able to confirm through Colonel Mich Roliff of NORAD (NetNewsn Radar Air Defense), that Santa usually passes southward across the DEW (Distant Early Warning) line, stretching across Northern Canada, shortly after midnight on Christmas Eve.

Roliff indicated that “Clause usually flies marginally subsonic.”  Despite flying slightly below the speed of sound, Colonel Roliff admitted that NORAD sometimes has difficulty tracking Santa with accuracy as, “He never uses the same flight path twice, at least as far as we know.  In populated areas, he flies just above the treetops and becomes virtually invisible to even the most sensitive radar.  Beyond that, sometimes we have him clear as a bell on the screen and, suddenly, Santa, sleigh, reindeer and all simply disappear.”  Asked to explain more closely what he meant by “disappear,” another NORAD spokesperson indicated that, “Apparently, due to stratifying temperature and humidity anomalies associated with tracking small objects, particularly during extended periods of cold weather, Santa occasionally becomes invisible to radar.”  (ed. Note: NORAD admitted that they are examining intermittent location data which suggest that Santa may occasionally travel at speeds in excess of Mach II).

Here at the North Pole, we asked Santa’s chief flight engineer, “Cloud” Elford, about in-flight navigation methods.  Elford indicated that the S-22 (Santa’s newest sleigh, designed in 1999), features GIS and GPS, as well as microwave and radar-related guidance systems.  Elford indicated that, “The GPS is tied into the auto-piloting system (APS), but as far as we know, Santa has never activated either GPS or APS system during an actual flight.  What can we say, the Big Guy likes his gadgets.  On the other hand, should Santa need to activate a guidance system, they are on board, and certified fully operational.”  Elford also indicated that Santa’s trip around the globe is generally a solo flight, and so virtually all electronics aboard the S-22 incorporate VOX (voice activated) digital components.  Asked how Santa keeps the electronics, and himself, from freezing while traveling 600 mph (or faster, see ed. Note above) through the bone-chilling Arctic atmosphere in an open air sleigh, Eflord replied, “There are some things even a chief flight engineer does not know.”

And the final words from the Big Man himself at the close of the news conference… “If you aren’t sure what to leave me in the way of snacks, be sure to check out http://www.claus.com.”   At Santa’s suggestion we did check it out and with a little digging we quickly found tasty treat suggestions from Mrs. Claus and Chief Chef SugarPlum Mary.  Two comments regarding the info we found at claus.com; if you think Santa is avoiding sweets this year, think again, and, try leaving treats for the reindeer to avoid that nasty lump of coal in your stocking again this year.

From Santa, Mrs. Claus and their staff, together with the NetNewsn News Staff (temporarily on location near the North Pole), we remind everyone to feed the birds and let pets stay indoors on really cold days… and, of course, we wish all of you at home and all those stationed abroad, a very, very Merry Christmas, and the most Joyous New Year!