Get ready for a serious editorial… in next month’s issue…

Just the other day an acquaintance mentioned how nice it must be to be part of the “NetNacs!” Staff, a recognized computer expert, having all of the latest techno-gizmos available and living free of the annoying e-mail enjoyed by the general populous.

“Not so,” your editor replied.  At the present moment, my inbox contains just over 8000 e-mails.  I receive, on average, 150 e-mails per day through 3 e-mail addresses.  Recently, I heard a relatively famous tech-talk show host tell her listening audience that the best way to stop annoying e-mail was to complain to the FCC… your editor laughed so hard he had to pull his truck off the highway for the safety of others.

Despite recent tootings by radio talk show hosts, Internet experts, and other learned technology do-gooders, there are a limited number of successful methods to avoid the barrage of electronic garbage generated at an ever accelerating rate; stay off the Internet, don’t use your e-mail account, get behind a firewall (talk to your ISP technical manager or contact the experts at McAfee or Norton), or set your e-mail to block anything addressed to you (of course, the last method precludes receiving any e-mail). 

And now, begging the patience of our good readers, I step backwards 2 months in time, and into the very bowels of my deleted e-mail folder.  Dan, who I had never heard of prior to receiving unsolicited mail from him, is a college professor who grew tired of punching a time clock (note, professors don’t actually punch time clocks… but I digress).  Dan tells me he is now earning $12,000 a month as a model and he has graciously decided to put me in touch with his agent, who for a small fee will review my electronically submitted portfolio.  Dan, you must be a sight better looking than me.  Although Dan was broke when he started modeling (sure, most professors are broke when they start modeling), Dan now owns a villa in Mexico, a mansion in Wyoming and, get this, a sprawling ranch in Burbank (must be a different Burbank). 

Oh, wait!  Some of Dan’s financially destitute buddies, bankers, lawyers and real estate agents appear to have given up their lousy 10 to 3 jobs, put their heads together and come up with a foolproof “money stream generating system.”  The tens of thousands a month that they promise sounds good until I read Matt’s offer.

Matt promises that I’ll be swimming in hundreds of thousands of dollars with his risk free “beta system.”  Like Matt, I don’t have to have any brains or skill, and I don’t have any money to risk, but that is not a problem as Matt guarantees to refund all the startup money I send him if I don’t get rich quick enough.

In fact, I was too slow to grab at Matt’s generous offer.  Matt’s website is already gone, probably over run with clever investors who opened the door when opportunity knocked… unlike slow, plodding, and still poor me.  Despite having missed out on Matt’s offer, I want the people at financially fit.com to know that I am deeply insulted by their paltry offer of financial freedom at $300 a month.  Why, with only $300 a month, how would I purchase the priceless bronze Russian artifacts that Ivan is offering to a special limited group of connoisseurs (like moi).  At $300 a month, I couldn’t begin to afford the growth hormone and viagra that Dr. Edell wants me to buy.

Oh, look!  The Ministry of Mines and Resources in Cape Town, South Africa is having problems again… this time they accidentally misplaced 45 million dollars and change.  Better make a note to remind myself to send them my bank account number later so they can transfer that amount into my account and let me keep 25%… sounds fair to me… with the money I have in the account already, that should give me a whopping huge balance.  My bank manager will be really proud of me.  We’ll be just like Jed Clampett and Mr. Dryesdale after the folks in Cape Town wire me all that money.  Funny thing is, the government of Nigeria had a similar financial mishap just a few months ago.   I let that opportunity slip by, but I’m on top of this deal.  My contact in Cape Town is one Mr. Noxema; you have probably heard of him, he is very important in South Africa. 

Did I mention that I’m a finalist in NVP’s vacation give away scam… er scheme?    I know I am a serious contender for a free vacation because they have sent me over 200 e-mails telling me I am a finalist.  Oh, look here!  Who needs a free vacation when I can earn $150,000 a year collecting money judgements from deadbeats.  Now, is that $150,000 a year to start, or is that $150,000 in 50 years from now when I won’t be able to buy a loaf of bread with a wheelbarrow full of money?  But let’s not look a gift horse in the mouth… evidently, I am among a select few (millions likely) to receive the offer of special training in money judgement collection from deadbeats.  All I have to do is send a check to Larry, or call Larry to talk with him personally.  Wait, Larry, you forgot to include your phone number, but don’t panic, my check for a lot of money is on the way to your post box and I trust you’ll get right back to me on this. 

Erica tells me I can stop dreaming about being thinner and start dating pretty girls today!  But gee Erica, my wife might not be too happy with that plan.  Erica must have really been swamped with orders; her website is already off the Internet and I just received her e-mail today!

E-book-info.com, your link is not working either; please get back to me, I’m anxious to pay you for those special auction secrets that will allow me to start earning $500 per day!  Marty has some stuff to make my hair stop falling out and Jay is selling that banned CD that will let me spy on my friends, neighbors, relatives and co-workers.  With all the excitement provided by spying on my friends, this software would pay for itself in no time.

Wow, I can eliminate my mortgage and get some of those free legitimate diplomas from fully non-accredited, yet prestigious universities based solely on my life experience.  Here’s an offer to help me stop snoring, whiten my teeth, lower my cholesterol, burn and melt away my fat, eliminate my cellulite and give me smoother, wrinkle free skin.  It must be legit… it’s from the postmaster! 

Cameron will help me beat any casino at any time.  What I really like about Cam’s offer is that if I don’t come home from Vegas with a pocket full of cash, he will cheerfully refund my money!  I see Nustar wants me to invest in their penny gold stocks; in fact, they gave me the Presidents phone number in case I want to phone to make sure the offer is legit; after all, there are scam artists out there!  Abe wants to help me out of debt for a small fee; I’m sure Abe is honest, but I’m concerned because he does not know how to spell the word debt; maybe this is a subliminal message indicating that “debt” is not a word in Abe’s vocabulary (or maybe someone just needs to tell Abe that should be a “b,’ not a “p.” 

Mr. Hanson will help me make $5000 per day in deals; that sounds pretty believable to me Mr. Hanson, so I’m also mailing you a big check right away.  Jim will sell me pheromones so I will get “ripped” and instantly attract the opposite sex.  Should that read “ripped” or “ripped off?”  Anne is selling some herbal concoction to make me look and feel 20 years younger, which is especially good if you aren’t 19 years old or younger.  Keith and Janet will help me lose weight without diet or exercise and at the same time reduce my wrinkles by 82%, and increase my energy, potency, mental and emotional stability and memory by an average of about 75%; kids, your check is also in the mail.

So what’s in the inbox today.  Work less and earn more.  Make hundreds of thousands of dollars by just ordering 5 secret reports and passing them on.  Hey, didn’t I just receive 20 or 30 e-mails telling me that some crazy kid in Australia earned $71,000 with these reports?  Hey, Andre, I’m trying to get through to your website to order my viagra, but these dirty pictures keep popping up and I can’t find the order form!  Oh wait, Abe just e-mailed again; good old Abe, still wanting to help me out of debt.