Search engines can be quite an adventure. Put in something as simple as "discount shoes" and you'll be lead to porn, Australian City Council Transcripts 1998-1999, porn, and Star Trek: Voyager shipper fic. In case you're wondering, "shipper fic" means fiction uniting two characters from a fandom romantically, a lot of which read like bad romance novels:

"I like you." Said Chakotay.

"I like you too." Said Janeway.

"Cool." Said Chakotay, looking into the rich blue pools of Janeway's eyes. Their shimmer reminded him of why he liked her so much.

…But we're getting off the subject. Iffy search results can provide as much amusement for webmasters as they do chagrin for the searchees – many websites have in-depth site logs, which keep a record of which URLs visitors clicked through to get to their site. This includes search engine result pages; you may think no one notices when you search for cookie recipes, but the Barry Manilow fansite you ended up at may have been greatly amused by it.

Most of the time, the keywords people are finding one’s site with are related to the page. But as anyone who checks their site stats frequently will tell you, your site can end up as a search result for keywords completely unrelated to it. So, as a public service announcement, I'd like to list a few things which you will not find on my page:

"chickenhead"

"air hockey"

"MICKEY MOUSE DISNEY DOT COM"

"Shakira jpeg"

"mini skirt + boots + free pic"

"a happy smurf"

"freegaysex.com"

Sorry. So, you may be saying, "Beeb, why on earth do these results lead people to you?" Well, the trouble is that a search engine may grab 2 random words off one page on your site, and put them completely out of context in a search - all you have to do is mention Shakira in passing on a page that also references JPEGs, and before you know it, you're bombarded with emails from fanboys wanting "Whenever, Wherever" screen captures. Some results are truly a mystery, though - however someone found my Keanu Reeves fansite by punching in "chickenhead", I'll never know.

So how can you find out what search results are bringing traffic to your page? Site logs are part of the parcel if you're paying for your host; if you're on a free provider, there are many services that offer site trackers free of charge (try http://www.extreme-dm.com/tracking/ or http://www.sitemeter.com).  Once you've completed a sign-up form, you will be given a code to place on your site to activate the logs. The only drawback to this is that you will have a small tracking logo on your page, unless you decide to pay for an upgrade; however, I have found this a small price to pay for the invaluable information - and hilarity - I get from my site logs.

So the next time your search for Duran Duran MP3s leads you to the Mulder/Scully Romance Archive, don’t despair; at the very least, you may have given the webmaster a chuckle. Who knows, it may even inspire a story called “Hungry like the WereWolf”, where the agents confess their love while investigating a Duran Duran concert that was ravaged by creatures of the night.